You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
