Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Math at Halloween.

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

this is literally a CIA plant

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous