You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Yoga Matt
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A