Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

sin harder.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.