You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
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if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
💀😭
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea