You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either