You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
one of
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you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester