You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Lmfaoooooo
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too