you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
You Might Also Like
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
#damn
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
