Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Encore…

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.