you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.