You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
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imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Ken is short for chicken
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”