You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
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I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day