Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back to work

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

I need a headline like this

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Interior designer.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”