Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.