Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate