You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
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Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir