what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”
– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
IRON MAN: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.