@junejuly12: “you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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@lifeattiffanys: Teaching my kid math like: If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
@NewDadNotes: Fish: shark keeps trying to eat me. God: oh man that sucks. Fish: can I get some of that camouflage you gave chameleon? God: sorry that only works on land. Fish: ok that’s fair. [octopus swims by but fish can’t see him because he’s camouflaged]
@mom_ontherocks: I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better. But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.