@junejuly12

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

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@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@DothTheDoth

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

@itsboyschapter

you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it

@mejustbeth

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@SarcasticSadOne

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

@SuperJuanderer

[cats on a date in a fancy restaurant]
Male: I can’t decide if I want tuna or the salmon.
Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.