You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
marvel comics have peaked
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”