you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
