Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet