you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
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I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
