You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.