You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
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“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here