Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you