Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Remember folks 😂

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕