Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Air conditioning – not a fan

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”