You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I’m sure it’s fine.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
the last thing a carrot sees
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.