Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Bond. Trauma bond.

felt that

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?