Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Feels

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns