Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

💀💀

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.