Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.