You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
neighborhood watch
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.