You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape