You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Shoo shoo! 😂
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.