You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.