You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
You Might Also Like
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate