You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.