You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”