You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day