Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Too easy.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Clients after you give them your rates

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

🏙👨🏼

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage