A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.