You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
You Might Also Like
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
are they though??
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan