You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.