You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
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how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Who says great literature is dead?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.