“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.