I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.