You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking


Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?


I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.


you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid


ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
ME: shhhh….
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.


If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.


I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.


Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.


“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.