@Divergentmama

You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

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@TheTweetOfGod

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

@Divergentmama

Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?

@nuttywhippet

I like Australian kisses.

They’re just like French kisses but down under.

@bornmiserable

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

@SirEviscerate

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

@grimpossible

If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

@RobotThomas

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

@ValeeGrrl

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.