Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio