You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
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LMAO
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”