Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.