You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?