You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

You Might Also Like


She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.


Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.


At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.


“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”


Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?


Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*


You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.


When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.