@SortaBad

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

You Might Also Like

@RandomRamblr

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

@juliussharpe

At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@doccy_style

Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they’re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?

@Abusitron

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@better_off_dad

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

@theroyaltramp

When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

*looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.