You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.