@SortaBad

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

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@UncleDuke1969

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

@JermHimselfish

I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they’ve obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.

@McSwtrvst

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@dril

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

@pinupteacher

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

@RodLacroix

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.