You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

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*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.


I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they’ve obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.


I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?


Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it


that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop


Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.


The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.


[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille


One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is


Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.