You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken