You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
this is uni
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*