You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
murder on the timeline
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.