You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.