Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.