“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
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Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
“We will wed,” I threatened
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
dude it’s called proctologist
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.