You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡