Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

If you know, you know

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.