you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
You Might Also Like
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses