Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Perfect

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

The three genders

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.