You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
True?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.