You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun