Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

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Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

If you had more money you’d be happier.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”