Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
how high up are we talkin’?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.