@markleggett

You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on “cheat days” when you can eat as many as you like.

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@GoldenSpirals

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

@AssOnHat

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

@danguterman

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

@Lhlodder

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

@sixfootcandy

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage