“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Important reminders
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.