“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’m dying louder than usual today.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
good for her
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.