Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

😂😂

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

When you kidnap a writer.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

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dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.