Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put

-spider hokey pokey

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.