You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.