You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
jesus christ confetti not now
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
PARKOUR
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.