Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

where’s Godzilla when we need him

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve